One source of life satisfaction and success is the every day use of one’s strengths or talents. Different researchers and approaches defined and characterized many strengths and talents. Some they make a difference between the strengths and talents, and even between realised and unrealised strengths or learned skills….
As I am turning 40 I thought I would write something about my life philosophy (values and beliefs) as it developed until now, my own bushido if you want. It is based on my life experiences, the context in which my life developed and I do not consider it neither universal nor complete and far from being perfect. It is a “work in progress “ and I suppose it will always be a “work in progress” as long as I will be alive. In fact I have it in a document, in a very unorganised manner, writing there things I should not forget and things helping me to re-center and resource myself when I am in difficult situations.
But while I was trying to start and write about it in a manner that others can read it….I thought: Why am I doing this? Why do I feel the need to share something so personal (and probably so insignificant for others)? The answer came from the wall near my desk where I stick all kind of lists, messages, drawings, mind maps and other important things to remember. The list of my main character strengths accordingly to VIA: curiosity, love of learning, creativity, perspective and judgment. They all belong to the category of Wisdom and Knowledge, something I appreciate enormously in others and in life in general. One saying I have is like: what’s the point of getting old if not to become wiser? So, it is logic: I am turning 40, I am older…and hopefully wiser.
So, using these strengths I put together the things I have learned, appreciated, developed and which help me to become the person I should always have been 😛 , my own code. This does not mean I manage to respect them all the time, but when I feel down, I generally realise that I did not respect one of them and I have to reset 😉 I invite you to take a look at them if you have time…
- Chose to take the toys out of the box! What does this mean? When I was a child, I rarely received a nice toy packed in a nice shiny transparent box. Rarely, not because my parents couldn’t afford more but because it was considered that one should not have an unlimited number of toys…Anyway, some of my friends would decide to keep the toy in the box for as long as possible. I took it out and played with it (most of the time also shared it with the children who kept theirs in boxes)! Yes, maybe the toy was getting scratched or dirty or even broke at a certain moment, but I always remembered the experience I had playing with it, the connection, the joy. I think I always believed that the toys were happier to be played with, even though they were getting old or scratched. I thought they were feeling useful, fulfilled and their purpose in life was met. I did the same with my life, I went out of the box, get scratched, dirty, hurt but I wear my cicatrices with pride like any other warrior. It made me fill my life with meaningful experiences and great encounters with other warriors and explores or life.
- Love! Yes, good old and bad love…we yearn for it, we are wired for it, we get hurt by it…but what would life be without love? And I do not mean love just in the marital sense! No, I mean love of life, of enjoying every moment of it, every challenge, every experience no matter if simple (like eating, sleeping, walking) or more elevated like admiring a great landscape, enjoying a talk with friends, helping somebody in need, make some discovery, accomplish a goal etc…(If you want to learn more about the power of love, I strongly recommend the book Love 2.0 of Barbara Fredrickson and The art of Loving of Erich Fromm)
- Be curious, explore and learn! There is no specific age for learning or unlearning, for using curiosity, for discovering new things, for making new friends. I have studied for my psychology degree in my late 30s but this is nothing. I can easily remember people doing this much later in their life’s, like my dear MAPP colleague Barry (a friendly and funny Scottish finishing the MAPP in his 70s). This amazing capacity as human beings to try to understand and give meaning to everything helps us to keep the exploratory spirit alive and it is sad when I meet people thinking they have lived everything, they have seen everything and there is nothing more to learn…
- Be humble! We are here to serve, to connect with others through compassion and to admire and understand nature, to try to emulate or strive to its perfection but not in any case to fight it or to try to control it. This kind of goals (fight and control nature) made humanity destroy and pollute nature and that will just bring the distraction of everything.
- Have goals and objectives in life, something that will give you purpose and meaning but do not sacrifice and suffer endlessly if you can do it differently. Life is made to be enjoyed. Maybe this will seem sarcastic for those who have been through terrible, life threatening experiences, who are in very difficult material contexts or who are or were sick…I have to admit that my experience was tough but not without exit…and I have been always grateful for this. But I have met in my life and in my work people who were experiencing very difficult situations. I have learnt from them that we always have a choice of how we want to go through that experience. We can chose from feeling unlucky and unfairly treated, from blaming destiny or other people, towards an attitude of what is to be learned from it, what is the meaning of it for ourselves, what is the positive side. I know some times can be difficult to see meaning in anything. At the end we are all dying but meaning is a personal pursuit and perspective…
- Help others as much as you can but do not take their responsibility. This is a tricky one as I have the tendency to show my strengths rather then my weaknesses and therefore I find myself in position to help others…It took me a long time to learn to equilibrate between offering support that was asked in the right quantity…
- You are not alone! It is ok to ask for help when you need but also be aware that every decision and change you engage in will affect not only yourself but others too. Keep an eye on that! This does not mean to live your life in fear of bothering others, or with the goal of living accordingly to their wishes and needs. It means rather to see beyond your own small world and existence. I strongly believe everyone and everything is connected in this universe. Equilibrium can be found but we need to look for it and strive for it. As a Romanian actor I admire once said: “In life you have to live delicately, otherwise is no fun…” (Oana Pellea)
- You are unique but not special. Do not expect others to take care of your needs and wishes or to motivate you. This is your job! Probably your only job…
- Use different methods for different problems. It is everything about creativity, this amazing capacity we have…we all have. I am passionate about creativity and I spent my last year researching about how to improve personal creativity. The recipes are infinite! But remember: “Creativity is not simply an inherent ability – it needs to be practiced and honed” (Dr. Michele Ruth Bernstein)
- People change with their circumstances. Their past does not represent their future, they adapt to context and they can be influenced by different circumstances. A simple example: I could be very good and very bad in mathematics or in grammar accordingly to the skills and passion of my professors. I have also seen people becoming amazingly productive and motivated with a new (better fitting) boss/leader (and sadly also the other way around).
- Challenges make life more exciting, do not forget to welcome them in your life and be grateful for them. Here the research of Brené Brown is amazingly helpful! Brené writes that “being ourselves means sometimes to find the courage to stand alone, totally alone.” I would add that we are always in a process of transformation, of becoming the person we want to become and this implies taking risky decisions, being courageous, welcoming the challenges…
- Do not complain if you have no suggestions or solutions to propose. If you feel somebody treated you incorrectly, try to communicate that in the most diplomatic manner. Think of how you wish that situation to be or become, express it wisely and find a way to make it happen. When I say wisely, means thinking how not to make things worse (I was an expert of expressing my views in a manner that made things worse, I am still doing this from time to time- it is my biggest learning point). But never give up speaking up (and of course doing/making things better)! Also, if someone has a different point of view, it does not mean is wrong or that is doing it to make you mad. Deal with it fairly…
I will stop here even if the list is much longer because I would also like to know what are your own codes of life. What did you learn? How do you deal with difficult situation? How do you make your life meaningful? What methods do you use in keeping the process of aging on the right track towards becoming wiser?
by 