After one year of moving abroad and learning and working in foreign languages, one time I went back home, my grandfather interviewed me thoroughly: how do you feel « over there » ? In which language do you speak with your boss? What about your colleagues? Did you make friends? In which language do you talk to them ?…and after a pause for reflection he finally asked me : in which language do you think now ? or dream ?
At that time I found his curiosity and somehow difficulty to understand how I can enjoy being « alone between strangers and talking (expressing myself) in foreign languages », quite funny. How could I think or dream in a different language after 27 years of thinking and talking mainly in one single language! Now, after 17 years abroad I see his questions very profound. Because yes, I did start dreaming in different languages and indeed my thoughts, little by little start including words or expressions that fit better from other languages. Sometimes I feel that this words or expressions made their way in and even grew stronger than those of my mother tongue.
I live in Luxembourg, a country with 3 national languages (French, German and Luxembourgish) where more than half of the population is foreigner and where the biggest communities (after French) are Portuguese, Italian and Spanish. Therefore you hear these languages very frequently wherever you go. Moreover, English came as a business and expat language. No further than Saturday, walking 5 minutes in the city centre I counted about 10 differently languages I could here from the passers by : Russian, Greek, Serbo-Croatian, Chinese, Romanian, Norwegian (besides the usual). It might sound exciting. And it is because, theoretically you can have friends from all over the world and you can find out how they live and what they appreciate or eat, what are their traditions directly from the source…without travelling or documentary books/films.
In reality the situation is a bit different. Rarely people have friends of different nationalities. One might have colleagues, neighbours, drink buddies, acquaintances or collaborators….but rarely friends from other nationalities. And if they have it is because they speak well at least one common language. For example, would be ok for Swedish, Dutch or South African to hang together because they speak English. Or Portuguese, Cape Verdeans and Brazilian…People tend to group based on the languages they talk in the office, spending their free time…You have toast master groups in English or in French…You will have meetings where the corporate language is English but people will decide to rather have it in French…Even if everyone makes efforts for integration, including the government who has a Ministry for integration…things are not at al simple. People struggle to find a common definition of integration and most of all struggle to understand each other…
Moving in a new country or only working in it as well as welcoming new people all the time is difficult and many times exhausting. Many people come here with the idea that is going to be temporary (this is what I thought as well). So one tends to stay on the superficial level of relationships, understanding the place or getting involved in projects (volunteering, politics, leisure). Others, at some point decide it is not so temporary and try to get involved and they start encountering all sorts of obstacles.
All of this: moving, living (for a while or longer), getting involved, trying to build something or to have an impact…and especially acquiring the feeling of belonging require a lot of emotional regulation and self awareness. In other words a lot of energy and time.The feeling of belonging, the friendships and generally the social life are very important for health (and maybe especially for mental health). I have many clients quite unhappy (and even more since Covid crisis) because they are trying and do not manage to create this circle of friends. Or at least one good friend. They find more and more superficiality, gossip and judgement based on superficial issues …all in all they suffer.
I thought many times of how one (or some of us) can tackle this…and I straggled myself many times trying to build a group or a project or a collaboration…Recently I got an insight one what makes things so difficult. In the latest book of Brené Brown I found this:
« Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning, and self awareness. Having access to the right words can open up entire universes. When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited… » (Atlas of the heart)
Of course she is referring also to our internal language but if I expend this to my experiences (individual or with my clients or collaborators) in this multinational/plurilanguage country…it is clear why we might feel sometimes alone, meaningless and even sometimes losing connection. Self reflection and self awareness could help us grow and better understand our own values and the multitude of perspectives and ways of living but at the individual level…this can bear a lot of feelings of loneliness, rejection, frustration, sadness…and how can we express that if not in the language in which we have the broadest vocabulary? In the language in which is easier to express emotions and most profound thoughts…So, again we need energy and time.
My husband and I are a mix couple and we talk in English, a language that is not mother tongue for either of us. Or I should say we started communicating in English but in time what we talk to each other is a mixed language where words from French, German, Romanian and Italian found their way in to improve the way we communicate. We spend often time in our discussions to explain language and build meaning around things that we other ways we would have taken for granted. This helped us to avoid many misunderstandings and stress. But is just the two of us. I apply this with my clients as well…when the fog of confusion starts to kick in…”what is the meaning of this or that for you?” is legitimate question. BUT, how can this be applied group wise or nation wise? Who would have the time and the willingness to go so deep in understanding and meaning creation?
What is your story of dealing with this kind of issues?
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